Resentment and the Devil
One
Division, confusion, rivalry, and violence are all signs of the devil’s influence in society, and there’s no doubt we see this sinister influence in ours. The question is, how does he accomplish his devilish schemes? And how has he done so on such a massive scale? Sadly, through our actions, we have all cooperated, giving him avenues of influence which he has used to create apostacy, immorality, and faithlessness on a scale not seen in centuries, perhaps ever. Like any true evil mastermind, the Devil uses all of our individual mistakes to create a plan of pain and destruction, so that we often cannot tell when we have helped him. Pride and lust offer more than enough opportunity for hatred of God and others to spread. But beneath these obvious culprit behaviors that we see destroying the world, and further behaviors like greed, envy, sloth, unfaithfulness, narcissism, there is another behavior, another vice that feeds and propels each; it is resentment! Resentment keeps out the light of God and the help of others, and allows our spiritual and emotional wounds to fester and become much worse. Addiction recovery programs teach those in recovery to say, “resentment hurts me the most.” Where in my life do I cling to resentment? Lord, help me to uncover the areas in my life where I have allowed resentment, and therefore the devil, to take hold of me. Grant me Your healing and peace.
Two
Resentment means to re-sense, or to re-feel pains of the past. The root of resentment is an instinct of survival that teaches us to remember and avoid the things that hurt us. But resentment takes this instinct too far. Carrying resentments can be addictive because resenting makes us feel powerful through self-pity. People who suffer from addictions instinctively gravitate towards actions which make them feel good in the short term, but which are self-destructive in the long term. All sin is addictive, but especially addictive is the desire for sensual pleasure, or control, or power. And these are often fueled by resentment. We can re-feel wounds, whether real or perceived, caused by institutions, events, and people. Feeling these wounds makes us feel justified in whatever we do, whether it be seeking shelter from the pain through drinking, drugs, food or sex; or trying to avoid being hurt in the future by acquiring more money, control or power. Resentment perversely makes us feel good by holding out our wounds, making us feel righteous and deserving of special treatment due to the maltreatment we received. This is why we as a society are dividing, blaming, and fighting. Our Lord teaches us differently. Notice, He is not denying that our wounds are genuinely painful. He gives us the means to heal from our wounds, and simultaneously to bring about a better world. The means—Forgiveness. He teaches us to forgive one another as He forgives us. And forgiveness is at the heart of our Faith. The basis for God’s willingness to forgive us is entwined to our willingness to forgive one another. What persons have hurt me? What events have hurt me? What institutions have hurt me? Am I resentful, re-sensing these pains over and over? I say now to you Jesus, ‘Lord forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who have trespassed against me.’
Three
The mental habit of replaying all of our wounds, many of which are exaggerated due to our pride and envy, extracts tremendous costs. After all, resentment does nothing to change the event or institution or person we resent. Nor does it resolve conflict. Instead of bringing healing and freedom, resentment allows the thing we resent to dominate our thinking—a kind of emotional bondage.
A priest friend of mine gave me some very practical guidance on how I can deal with my resentments. He calls it a ‘resentment inventory,’ and he gets this from 12 step recovery program. After identifying institutions, events, and people who hurt me and writing them down, he asked me to do the following: ask myself, how did they wrong me? What was it that really threatened me? What are some of the false beliefs I developed because of these wounds, i.e. defense mechanisms, character defects, angers, habits, etc. Then to ask myself, ‘what were my mistakes in this?’ and then, once identified, to say to these defense mechanisms and defects, ‘thank you for getting me to this point in my life but I don’t need you anymore. I am leaving you behind, and I am going in peace.’ This inventory is good for anyone, and I recommend you print or save this reflection and ask yourself these same questions after time and reflection and write them down. They have helped me begin to heal and free myself from pain and sorrow. I want that for you.
Four
Jesus gives us explicit instruction on how to handle people who have hurt us: “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins” (Mark 11:25). Forgiveness is not being a doormat and attempting to forget a wrong done to you. It is a deliberate choice to free yourself from pain and debt-seeking in your mind and heart. Forgiveness, like love, is a habit that, if we do not practice, will break down and never happen. Forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision to release the offender of the debt that may be owed to you. And if this debt seems too large to forgive, call to mind the debts that God has forgiven you, and follow His example. Acts of forgiveness allow us to share in God and be more like Him, and they destroy the ability of the devil to work his vicious tactics in the world and our soul. Receiving the Sacraments, Prayer, sacrifice, and entrusting ourselves to Mary and Joseph are all ways to prepare our hearts to be less resentful and more forgiving.
Five
I close with this beautiful prayer from Blessed Conchita, a 20th Century Mexican saint whose beatification I had the honor to attend in 2019, “You, Jesus, have told me that you have loved me in the way that the Father loved you. That is the reason for your knowing how to love with such tenderness, with such forgetfulness of self, with such faithfulness as no one else has ever loved me. If your commandment is that we love our neighbor as your Father has loved you, how are we to love you so as to respond to that incomparable tenderness? Jesus loves us with the same love with which He loves His Father, and with which His Father has loved Him. Can one imagine a greater love for souls? We must love others in the same way. We must love others in spite of all ingratitude, all betrayals, all the poverty of the human heart with a love that loses itself in the immensity of God.”